I NEED A BFF / IM SICK

So I am sick but still I update which totally shows how much I love the audience that are reading this blog and of course my blog in all and in case you don’t know that yet . I now specifically point that out , so kneel down and thank me you peasants (just joking )And since I am sick I will keep it short and sweet and basically summarize in this short entry which makes my life looked pathetically boring but anyways moving on .


I feel like crap on some occasion but still hanging .Though I am  kind of worried that I might not catch up my studies since I will be absent for like two days in a row due to migraine and nauseous in my stomach . And no I am not pregnant in case you are wondering .


So during this home stay, out of the bloom my grandmother suddenly asked me if I have any friends that would message me or call me if I were sick. I have no Idea why she asked me but anyway back to the story . which I would totally not thought about if it wasn’t for my grandmother .


And of course and went on to telling her that I have friends but not all of them are very close like not all of them are in the same class which in other wards translate to  no BFF . I will happily  spill out my heartbreaking stuff on my BFF in my future entries .-see the love and devotion 


Back to the topic I began to get my hopes up like kept wondering if maybe just like one or maybe two would at least message me ask if im okay well it turn up to major disappointment which reminds I wish I could just wish upon a little star and than a good trustworthy BFF that wouldn’t constantly shove me excuse and lies would drop from the sky.


Well I am quite disappointed but I did told myself to keep my hopes so I wouldn’t be as let down as I would be , yet a part of me cant help but hope . Geez , I need a BFF . So I will end of this entry with a quotations by orson welles that totally summarize my feelings . Sooner or later I will meet the right BFF I think well know I sound so depressed :1 still kinda sad since no one message me :(

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

Orson Welles

Just thoughts on hell and on the world we live in - no biggie:)

Here , my point view I think if hell were to actual exist I would be living in it . Think about it people well here on earth we do have evil. The place we living have people like bullies , murderers , pedophiles ,perpetrator , rapers , gang bangers , cannibal , assassin, robbers , muggers and the list goes on
.
  People that killed murder the life of others for the sake of themselves. I don’t believe that people don’t have a choice there is always a option there. And whether you want to do good or bad is by your choice and your choice only . So are we living in hell properly not if we are really living in hell then I might as well wnd my life since there is nothing but this corrupt world and smell of greed , but the thing is there is some good .

 Well , for example the man that will be your husband and will stay by you through thick and thin . The happiness of having a child , the purpose of life , the endless wisdom and the constant unknown, the little kind act that a passer-by that will make your day , the few that stands for what they believe even if the odds are against them .

If that so then why do the good/kinds acts are constantly cover by the repulsive evil people that exposed the ugliness in human. And why don’t we focus more good than bad ., that is the question . I personally wonder and ponder over but there is one thing obvious that the choice is ours whether we want to be a good or bad person because in the end when you’re look into the mirror it reflects .
Maybe it’s because we have been disappointed, bullied, screw over just way too many times that believing, giving the person a benefit of doubt is not possible.

evil is there and danger is all so very real .The fact that we live in a cut throat society means that you either adapt or end up another body under someones foot as their stepping stone .you either fight or stay coward for the rest of your exsitance .

I guess if hell were to exist it will be basically describing this cruel reality we live in , we all wish ponder and thought of escaping to some realm where all your hearts and desire may be fulfill but there's no such place in the society that allows never land . And the temporary escapism from reality is always readily available , but that to those who stuck in this temporary never lands thinking that you can stay that forever and forget reality.

Sorry but at one point in your life you gotta face reality and  you have to live with it .It is true that once in a while you can escape and take a short break but the world you're live in reality and its not all rainbow and butterflies . someday you may feel like crap and its like you are living in hell but there is always a silver lining .So don't lose hope .

 I know its easier said than done i guess the thing is you must have to keep moving is this society is  like having a code to stick with and my is to be happy because life is always so short and who knows what may happen tomorrow so i refuse to regret spending my last moment regret is worst thing possible  .

I guess if you really have to say what sort of place we live in then my reply would be both hell and heaven . Maybe the strange thing is us humans the built in survival instinct the determine to live no matter what . I'm sure you have seen miracles of human surviving a disaster and came back alive . I wonder why this is , if you were to say the world all that beautiful neither is it horrible to the point where no good exist , I guess this world we live in is a ugly yet beautiful place :)

do humans need belief ?

 The thing is i am agnostic that i have tried to be in religion to feel a sense of belonging a holy being that purifies all evil and the sinned one could be forgiven but every time i returned from church i realised i often use logic to contradict myself over the beliefs of god . 

And that's what struck me its impossible for me to be christian Cox i don't know  the things that pour out of the bible is really true but genuinely in my heart theres a part that wish i would believe in god . I will definitely be a goody two shoes if I'm christian like no vulgarities  though i generally don't speak them but occasionally slip when you know when life is giving you crap .

   

I think humans need some sort of faith or belief to carry on moving and living  sometimes people get it from their religion. it necessary to have some sort of force to enforce the thin line between good and bad with the temptation to make a mistake and end up with the consequences of a life time.

For me i don't have a religion . The thing that keeps me going  have to firm and strong so when i was really young i search for this sense of belonging in groups , religion and other stuff. The strange thing is everyone is strangely built and different in their own way to blend in i have to sacrifices my personality my character to fit in .

I feel anger , depressed , sad , fear and it hurt to fit in .It hurt to do stuff that i don't like , yet i still feel the endless pit growing in me maybe for some religion fill that pit . 

For a while it did but whenever i got home i still feel lonely i  still this black bottomless pit that eats into my soul . I'm disgusted of myself so much that its repulsive but o found my belief or rather my principal of life . 

                      I WANT TO BE HAPPY 

I know its a simple wish but theres  alot of  people so unhappy upset with anger at their life .I want to change I'm not gotta lie on my death bed leaving this world sad and unhappy still anger at this world . 

At that time struggling to fit in and being unhappy lonely with no friends , I'm not gotta saw my wings , my happiness because of others . life is only so short should i spend every single second dreading , regretting that i have not being myself but another clone  , another follower .

I know everyone is beautiful in their own ways i want to be happy and comfortable with me :)

In this world when common sense doesn't always make sense with anger , hatred , terror in this ugly world i hope that more people wouldn't take their life so easily because they just make life seem so expendable . you haven't make even a footprint so this big big world are you gotta  just die like that .

It kinda hurts that i wish i could have done something , it make me feel my effort the wish to  help so insignificant .  so in this world where death is a easy way out of this ugly yet maybe beautiful world , i want to be happy .I want to experience love , i want to be a mother , i want to have someone love for who i am , i want to be happy .

p/s I'm sorry for not updating :!

 

     

me 2

      
       As promise I'm going to deliver the me part 2 . I guess i miss out quite a lot about me other than that i have a crush who i shall not name , i think he knows that i like him from but he does show his interested in me and occasional he flirt with me .I think ...
 That the think hes not clear about everything and likes him . I think hes cute is it offensive to describe a guy as cute but i just think hes cute and everything . 

       And you know its his lost if he misses me but at same time i don't think it will make s difference even if he confesses since for now my goal is my education i think well in addition i want to find myself .

       Like who am i ?what do i want to do with my life? Is my goal really what i want to do with my life ?

       Life is awfully short and i want to make the most of it doing what makes me happy making sure i don't leave regret . That is a aweful way to die having regret and everything so i prefer to do what i want than regretting i did it rather than regret not doing anything .

       The main  thing is i want to be happy . My belief mainly revolving around don't let others put you down , i think if i feel that something in my gut is correct I'm gotta do it even if it means going against everyone. 

        some people may think im arrogant and stuff but the reality is that you yourself are important and you have to love yourself to be able to love others .

      I think I'm very important and i love myself too among other thing that i am crazy about . And not a lot of people think like that they constantly beat themselves down and the only one that is gotta stop is themselves . 

      If i am hurting because i follow what everyone tells me what to do then you know what.  screw everyone 

        you know what i actually have a checklist on what im gotta do before i die and everything so here the list :

1. wear a wedding gown . once in a life time you should at least wear it and if im dying that would be my dying wish . I  know it sounds so dreamy but you know , i personally feel that wedding gown is the most beautiful dress a woman can have in her life . 

   you will know what wedding gown is the right dress as long as you lay eyes on it and this was the most beautiful dresses for now base on yahoo .

   whenever i see wedding gown i feel that the people will magically transform into the most beautiful happiest woman ever with the right guy and the right dress.

2. find a guy that loves me more than i love him . I want the kind of love that will stay by me just like the song . someone to  stay by you even when your whole world is collapsing and tell you that you dont have to be alone . That kind of love is precious .......

3. have a movie Marathon with all the movie i ever loved which is alot . 
At home with the air con on and junk food like bugger or what ever i like to have at that point in time .     

     just so you know i hate popcorn , i have no idea when i started to dislike it but i just kinda not like it at a certain point in my life .

     I generally prefer action movies and my favorite until now is Total recall . i love it its really thrilling and keeps my heart thumping rapidly .
 hmm..maybe i should do a movie review in comparison with the that was produce on 1990s and the 2012 which i loved .i  generally find the male lead actor  more appealing than the one in 1990s . 

    Thats about it but from time to time i will post blog about me and what really defines me and in some point i can look back and know that how much i have grew these past few years . One last thing , the person that inspires me to start a blog of my own is xia xue . she is really hard to describe and her blog is really good but nowadays she doesn't really blog much so a little let down . 



 

The people that i genuinely detest and scumbag that deserve to rot in hell

   
         Like seriously the title of this entry sounds like I'm gotta talk about my crush but no that's not it . I'm gotta write about this girl that has a b with a itch seriously she likes to freaking push my buttons like cross my line thats not suppose to be cross for no freaking business  and she hates me and i hate her too .
 look feelings do reciprocate!

 Her name is WJ short form because should i waste freaking precious time writing  her name she have been  pissing - teasing-irritating-bossing   me for the past 3 years its still on going . i mean she not my freaking mom yet she just love to do that . And i was the first person that talk to her in school so some times when i think about it i was like what the hell is wrong with this world . Anyways i have no idea why she hate but she does and well me being a kind -loving person will defiantly reciprocate her feeling .

                My goals for  myself with this type of situation  is to react quickly and say something smart to people that tease me in a really b with a itchy way . whatever i guess i should thank god that she is not with me in same  .  It just irritate the hell out of me  just by writing her name although its in  Short form .  I'm not a sunshine girl that goes oh my hater is my supporter or whatever shit . I'm a generally positive person but not that  positive its like asking a person to forgive a person to forgive someone that just stab them . well , words hurt so try to relate . Though its not hard for me to imagine killing her a trillion times in my head if i were to do it real life i would probably have to go to prison and it so totally not Worth it . like why should i serve sentence , hypnotically speaking, because i killed the b with a itch that i hate and plus her body would be totally heavy and troublesome to discard and its disgusting too with all the blood and stuff . so I'm just gotta let her age to death and let karma do the work .  Although she not on top of my i never want to speak to them list but lately she pisses me off and that totally inspire me to tell you how "beautiful" a person can get . 

             And she is not the most "gorgeous"person i seen in my life this guy he bullied me . I remember he hit me with a paddle accusing i wasn't  paddling hard enough and obviously how can a guy and a girl match up to strength but  i tried . He think i wasn't trying and hitter me constantly and curse my family to die and all sorts of really awefull things , i wanted to get away but im in a middle of the seas where can i escape ?I was trapped . It was a really traumatic event and everytime i think of it i get emotional and terrified his in my class and siting quite close to where my sit is its really disgusting how ugly can human get ? I genuinely think he should rot in hell . I did report this to the teacher but like i say the teacher will just reply "i will talk to him" and nothing is ever done that's is why i think if you bullied stand up for yourself be the change . I want to encourage people like me and even me to start being the change instead of hoping for someone to stop it or even kill yourself . I will not kill myself because they hate me for being me and that they think i deserve to be bullied I don't think a scumbag is worth my life and i will be the change  .

             
      Back to to the b with a itch . Since its kinda of difficult to imagine what sort of person she is I'm gotta just post her picture on my blog .  just kidding .. never gotta happen my blog is sacred and she not sacred .
i generally see her like the pest which i hate which is cockroaches which is disgusting .i know it doesn't bite but that thing i swear its evil and ewww ..
 I'm gotta stop thinking of all those haters/bullies its wasting my brain cells . so this concludes everything on her i guess theres a special connection between her and me sometimes i want show her the middle finger and just say " get of my back you b with a itch " 

      lately girls been really hands on and even for myself as a girl it scares me a little bit . Gosh .... girls these days are violent and very extremely hands on you know . I'm sorry guys i have no idea why its like that .

.......................A pretty line that cut across ..................................................................................
so my next entry would be on me part 2 i guess i think maybe who knows or other random topic i decided to write .
 I gotta end of with a quote " no one can truly save you are on your own " 
can you save a person that seeks death constantly  ? can you save someone from them self ?
The answer is no .
To be honest im really glad theres true man out there the one that i just describe it is not a guy .It doesn't deserve to be call a guy because there is no gut in that person and the fact that it  feels no guilt hitting a girl .

-love, hugs katherine

my bother

                  This entry is about my awesome brother that never fails to piss me off . The fact that he likes to get on my nerve and soon needing my help is kinda pathetic and cute  . I think in his heart he knew that after pissing me off he will soon get it , but it never fails to allow him to think about his action. I'm basically a person that holds grudge so if you piss you are gotta get it someday .

             Though it depends sometimes i forgets about things that aren't all that important a whole different thing .so i kinda person that don't remembers people s names especially those that aren't really have relations with me like my bully . you know a funny thing is that i actually need too put in effort to remember his names Cox his not all that close to me which is kinda funny thought but all in all his a bitch and a ass hole .

            so to all those jerks and bitches  that bullied me and call me  you better pray that forgets or else you gotta get it somehow .god i sound so pathetic , but nevertheless my sibling knew that  have a base line that are not to be mess with . the thing is I'm a sorta lazy person too so maybe i will get back people when the opportunity comes because don't you think its really hard work planning a revenge . For example theres this television shoe=w called revenge that features a woman that is out for revenge toe avenge for his dad and i was watching the show and i thought its really tiring by the way . 

so now I'm not a really a big fan of revenge but a little payback once in a while is not bad but that every time i get scorch free from conscious . plus well sometimes i guess thing don't always go like you plan and all that stuff , i kinda prefer leaving it to karma's hands on a certain extent though but sometimes if you cant wait just shove a punch in his face or find a way to make him suffer .i personally don't think that death is the ultimate thing if you want to revenge , its about making life a living hell altogether . Imagine every living second regretting and being torture by karma until you cant take it and breaks down . oh god i sound so sadistic in a way maybe i have the talent to be like some exterminate or some stuff but that would never happen . lets just say  that sport ain't a big fan of me and is I'm trap, in some worst case scenario i probably near a bear grills at hand if i have any way of surviving . Jesus how did i end up  talking about  my brother  to revenge and then to me being a sadist to me surviving worst case scenario  . I'm a genius aren't I !!?

.................pretty little line passing through ...............................................................................................
so i know my writing isn't gorgeous but improving practise make perfect .will keep updating even if no ones reading my blog stuff and i sound pathetic .bye
-Katherine

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