I NEED A BFF / IM SICK

So I am sick but still I update which totally shows how much I love the audience that are reading this blog and of course my blog in all and in case you don’t know that yet . I now specifically point that out , so kneel down and thank me you peasants (just joking )And since I am sick I will keep it short and sweet and basically summarize in this short entry which makes my life looked pathetically boring but anyways moving on .


I feel like crap on some occasion but still hanging .Though I am  kind of worried that I might not catch up my studies since I will be absent for like two days in a row due to migraine and nauseous in my stomach . And no I am not pregnant in case you are wondering .


So during this home stay, out of the bloom my grandmother suddenly asked me if I have any friends that would message me or call me if I were sick. I have no Idea why she asked me but anyway back to the story . which I would totally not thought about if it wasn’t for my grandmother .


And of course and went on to telling her that I have friends but not all of them are very close like not all of them are in the same class which in other wards translate to  no BFF . I will happily  spill out my heartbreaking stuff on my BFF in my future entries .-see the love and devotion 


Back to the topic I began to get my hopes up like kept wondering if maybe just like one or maybe two would at least message me ask if im okay well it turn up to major disappointment which reminds I wish I could just wish upon a little star and than a good trustworthy BFF that wouldn’t constantly shove me excuse and lies would drop from the sky.


Well I am quite disappointed but I did told myself to keep my hopes so I wouldn’t be as let down as I would be , yet a part of me cant help but hope . Geez , I need a BFF . So I will end of this entry with a quotations by orson welles that totally summarize my feelings . Sooner or later I will meet the right BFF I think well know I sound so depressed :1 still kinda sad since no one message me :(

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

Orson Welles

Just thoughts on hell and on the world we live in - no biggie:)

Here , my point view I think if hell were to actual exist I would be living in it . Think about it people well here on earth we do have evil. The place we living have people like bullies , murderers , pedophiles ,perpetrator , rapers , gang bangers , cannibal , assassin, robbers , muggers and the list goes on
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  People that killed murder the life of others for the sake of themselves. I don’t believe that people don’t have a choice there is always a option there. And whether you want to do good or bad is by your choice and your choice only . So are we living in hell properly not if we are really living in hell then I might as well wnd my life since there is nothing but this corrupt world and smell of greed , but the thing is there is some good .

 Well , for example the man that will be your husband and will stay by you through thick and thin . The happiness of having a child , the purpose of life , the endless wisdom and the constant unknown, the little kind act that a passer-by that will make your day , the few that stands for what they believe even if the odds are against them .

If that so then why do the good/kinds acts are constantly cover by the repulsive evil people that exposed the ugliness in human. And why don’t we focus more good than bad ., that is the question . I personally wonder and ponder over but there is one thing obvious that the choice is ours whether we want to be a good or bad person because in the end when you’re look into the mirror it reflects .
Maybe it’s because we have been disappointed, bullied, screw over just way too many times that believing, giving the person a benefit of doubt is not possible.

evil is there and danger is all so very real .The fact that we live in a cut throat society means that you either adapt or end up another body under someones foot as their stepping stone .you either fight or stay coward for the rest of your exsitance .

I guess if hell were to exist it will be basically describing this cruel reality we live in , we all wish ponder and thought of escaping to some realm where all your hearts and desire may be fulfill but there's no such place in the society that allows never land . And the temporary escapism from reality is always readily available , but that to those who stuck in this temporary never lands thinking that you can stay that forever and forget reality.

Sorry but at one point in your life you gotta face reality and  you have to live with it .It is true that once in a while you can escape and take a short break but the world you're live in reality and its not all rainbow and butterflies . someday you may feel like crap and its like you are living in hell but there is always a silver lining .So don't lose hope .

 I know its easier said than done i guess the thing is you must have to keep moving is this society is  like having a code to stick with and my is to be happy because life is always so short and who knows what may happen tomorrow so i refuse to regret spending my last moment regret is worst thing possible  .

I guess if you really have to say what sort of place we live in then my reply would be both hell and heaven . Maybe the strange thing is us humans the built in survival instinct the determine to live no matter what . I'm sure you have seen miracles of human surviving a disaster and came back alive . I wonder why this is , if you were to say the world all that beautiful neither is it horrible to the point where no good exist , I guess this world we live in is a ugly yet beautiful place :)

do humans need belief ?

 The thing is i am agnostic that i have tried to be in religion to feel a sense of belonging a holy being that purifies all evil and the sinned one could be forgiven but every time i returned from church i realised i often use logic to contradict myself over the beliefs of god . 

And that's what struck me its impossible for me to be christian Cox i don't know  the things that pour out of the bible is really true but genuinely in my heart theres a part that wish i would believe in god . I will definitely be a goody two shoes if I'm christian like no vulgarities  though i generally don't speak them but occasionally slip when you know when life is giving you crap .

   

I think humans need some sort of faith or belief to carry on moving and living  sometimes people get it from their religion. it necessary to have some sort of force to enforce the thin line between good and bad with the temptation to make a mistake and end up with the consequences of a life time.

For me i don't have a religion . The thing that keeps me going  have to firm and strong so when i was really young i search for this sense of belonging in groups , religion and other stuff. The strange thing is everyone is strangely built and different in their own way to blend in i have to sacrifices my personality my character to fit in .

I feel anger , depressed , sad , fear and it hurt to fit in .It hurt to do stuff that i don't like , yet i still feel the endless pit growing in me maybe for some religion fill that pit . 

For a while it did but whenever i got home i still feel lonely i  still this black bottomless pit that eats into my soul . I'm disgusted of myself so much that its repulsive but o found my belief or rather my principal of life . 

                      I WANT TO BE HAPPY 

I know its a simple wish but theres  alot of  people so unhappy upset with anger at their life .I want to change I'm not gotta lie on my death bed leaving this world sad and unhappy still anger at this world . 

At that time struggling to fit in and being unhappy lonely with no friends , I'm not gotta saw my wings , my happiness because of others . life is only so short should i spend every single second dreading , regretting that i have not being myself but another clone  , another follower .

I know everyone is beautiful in their own ways i want to be happy and comfortable with me :)

In this world when common sense doesn't always make sense with anger , hatred , terror in this ugly world i hope that more people wouldn't take their life so easily because they just make life seem so expendable . you haven't make even a footprint so this big big world are you gotta  just die like that .

It kinda hurts that i wish i could have done something , it make me feel my effort the wish to  help so insignificant .  so in this world where death is a easy way out of this ugly yet maybe beautiful world , i want to be happy .I want to experience love , i want to be a mother , i want to have someone love for who i am , i want to be happy .

p/s I'm sorry for not updating :!