I wonder if I ever have that moment when I am holding onto something that I should have let go. Maybe it's my friendship in secondary school, I could never let go of my best friend in secondary school. Our relationship had turned cold and the friendship turned sour. Yet I still hold this small hope that maybe just one day we may be friends again.
Just like the old times.
We have stopped talking, ever since everything went down hill. I didn't face her like what I should have instead like a coward I ignore her pretending that everything is as per usual. Hiding away like a coward while letting time and resentment chip away our friendship. I did try to work up my courage to confront, but friendship is a two-way lane.
She refuses to acknowledge the very friendship that we once have. Maybe to her, it meant nothing and the thought of it anger me. She stops trying while I got tired of waiting that she try. I didn't move on but simply cover a gauze over my wounds. Hiding the rotting flesh that is eating away my trust for genuine friendship.
Why is a genuine friendship so hard to come by.
Did I set my standard too high or is it just the high heavens of the lord trying to play with me. Back to something that I need to let go that I am holding onto.
It is indeed friendship again.
My close friend of the secondary school. I will call her cat in this entry. Cat was a nice person, my friend. Is she a good friend, maybe? I treasure her despite whatever that happened, maybe it is because of the past friendship that make me so adamant to make me and her relationship survive through the tunnel of time.
Yet, the truth is we are drifting apart. we rarely message now. I have no idea what is going with her neither does her of me. Should I let go and let time do its thing or should I fight once more for the disappearing friendship that is dwindling away like fluttering ash…
What if I fall back injured and wounded again. What if that the value I see in our relationship and her towards ours is different. A million what-ifs. The fear of losing out. The fear of being told to the face that the thing that I treasure.
That I treasure is worthless in her eyes. I feel that I need to let things take it course... Maybe cat will stay on in life, maybe not … It is just another part and parcel things in life.
“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.”
with love, Kah yee
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