WHAT AM I REALLY AFRAID OF ?

I am really scared of a lot of things. It is a simple “joy” as humans to be afraid of a lot of things. I am scared of dying without ever doing what i wanted in life. There is more where this comes from but what i am really scared of. 

That is a difficult question.

What i am really afraid of is that in this whole vast earth of ours. I would not find a single person that love me for who i am. That treasured my opinions and my horrible habits. That will love my every crook and curves even the bad ones. I am scared of not being loves  by my loved ones.

Simply, because I craved affection. From young, the things that were craved in my bones were discipline. I was not showered with love, but enforced with disciple that were craved into my bones with cane.

Not to mention, the fact i am from an asian family. Their love language were not expressed openly with words, hugs or kisses. I craved the affection of a soulmate, not necessary a lover but someone that could read me like a open book. I meant, guys raise you're hands if you have a person that knows you more than you know yourself.

I probably have more deep fears that i ever know consciously. Sometimes it is strange just by writing down ones feelings, thoughts and emotions. You learn more about yourself that you ever knew. I wonder if there is a word for this. Each time i find this self-discovery new yet exciting.

Back to the point, of my deepest fear. I think in time my list will most likely change…

With love, kahyee

IF THIS WERE THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE,WOULD I WANT TO DO WHAT IM ABOUT TO DO ?

 I MIGHT be all over the place, you have been warned... 

Nope. 

Hell No.

I would take all my money and spent it on food. At the very least i want to die a happy girl. This happy girl loves food so that would be what i would do. I would eat my heart out. If i have a crush maybe i would confessed. But, i don’t.

So yeah 

Basically, my days consist of studying, day dreaming, thinking what am i going to eat for lunch, dinner and supper. As you can see very exciting things. It might be mundane but still i treasure the everyday normality that i have in my everyday life.

Even though I would not live like everyday is my last day because it is crazy and irresponsible. It is built in my character that i am responsible for my own choices as well as my future. 

If there was not a tomorrow i would not care. 

The reality is there is a tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Still i would not mind if my last day on earth is my mundane routine. I think if it were my last day on earth i would treasure every last breath i take. That is probably the extend of what i could think of. 

The idea of last day of earth seem so out there, so unrealistic, so unreal. Maybe even i would not know what i will do, because i am so filled with contradiction. Yet, one thing for sure is that i would not waste my time on crying, being angry or hopeless. 

If and when there is not future anymore. I believe that all humans will behave erratically insane even myself. I guess that is why, i truly have no idea what i would do.

The concept of the world ending and everything have always boggle my head, each time i have no idea why i did not have an idea.

Strangely understandable.

If by the high heaven of possibility, i met a human being that knows exactly what he/she would do in the last day or moments of their days. I would salute simply because i don't have the ability to wrap my head of the concept of last day or last moment. The though of losing hope even very enjoyable, i would say. 

By some chance in the absence of hope, someone is able feel happy and enjoy life. That is truly amicable. I MIGHT be all over the place, you have been warned... 

Love, kahyee

MY RECENT

Lately, my emotion have been a little imbalance. My personality is pretty much contradicting i can be introverted to extroverted depending on the person i am with. After the recent betrayer or should i say fight with my friend at the start of the new school, i am left friendless.

 Even though over time i did make some friends but still i feel there is always this immerse gap between me and them. I feel like the gap is something i can never close nor shorten. Sometimes when they mingle with their respective friend and boyfriend i feel a little left out .

I did join their clique but still i feel like an outsider looking in. No matter, what i try to be grateful with what i already have. At the very least, i am not aloof and disconnected with the class. Sometimes i feel that it is better if i go off and be a loner.

Carefree and easy.

 However, the course that i am studying makes it impossible. My course has a constant need to do group work, short presentation, project work. All of these requires the need to be in a team or a group. The best part we formed our own group, in the above cases. So it is beyond hellish that without friends what you have to go through to get into group. Better yet , you might just end up with you're “favourite “ person

So basically I've been going through a hard time with transition as well as all sort of emotions that is going through my head. Do you know the feeling when for once you want to try you're best . Yet reality, just slap you in the face. 

There is always the saying where as long as you try, something will change. It did not in this case, i got hurt for opening my heart. For trying, it makes me feel so vulnerable, so pathetic for even trying.  

Sometimes when i think about it i feel anger. I do want to murder her maybe drown her but you can not force people to see the value in you. 

The difference in character is what shape individualised. The world is much prettier to be unique and individual. There are some things, that you wish this would happen this way or that way but guess what its life. 

I know it sucks.

I was very much damage because it. I broke down when i am alone and frequent melt downs while i drown myself in my own negativity. I feel like i was the only one who was trying. That she was looking down on me as if i was the joke of the year. 

Maybe she did or did not.

It did not matter. 

I was pretty much in my head. Withdrawal from the world, i became increasing consciously in the class. I remember feel like a clown when i am in class. Pretty much a depressed loner desperate need to relieve my pain, so i did what i should. 

I seek the school counsellor. It actually help a lot. For the first few session, non-stop i would cry. Even i did not know that i had so much sadness in me. I needed someone to be there for me when family members were not an option. She was there. She help me see a different picture, not necessary a solution. It kept me sane when i feel like i am going insane.

The incident with my “ friend” was the tipping point of all the emotions that i have kept in me. Unknowingly stressing myself, that was the point that everything collapsed under the pressure of circumstances. 

I believe i am strong. 

More than just that girl that cry because her friend left her. From inside out, i despise myself for being weak. Everyone has their moments.

For me maybe that was it.

Luckily, everything got better. I got new friends. Still the insurmountable gap was there. For now i will go with a cautious heart and the flow of things. I don't expect much. I really do not want to be hurt again. I hope this time life will give my heart a break. 

Recently i have been on the list for a school trip to Vietnam. It is a culture as well as educational Four days three night trip. I hope i would get it. Wish me luck.

By the way, there have been a ton of project. Fingers crossed that i will survive this with flying colours.

My main goal is my school work. Focus on school work and do not let my emotions distract me!!  

 “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves”

-William Shakespeare

with love, kahyee

WHAT WORRIES ME THE MOST ABOUT THE FUTURE ?

I think I'm most concern about my future job. What would i do for a living? Is my job supporting the lifestyle that i want. 

Am i happy in this distant future . That is a million of questions that i have for my future.The thing is you will never have an answer for something that is this intangible.

I am worried about a lot of stuff. 

I hope that whatever difficulty i face in the future i would hold courage and faith near my heart. I worry about my grandma. How is she? Is she still here with me? How am i doing without her ? I hope that i can pull through everything with my head strong.

Honestly i worry about lots of different random stuff. For example when i am walking on the roadside would a car just crash into me. My family medical history is filled with cancer, sometimes i would also wonder if maybe one day it would be my turn. 

I think the thought of me running out of time to experience life worries me the most.

What could be the worst, not having to love someone to the point where you are not just a self-absorbed human being. I want to try and experience that.

I have not yet found my soulmate. Someone that i can trust 100 percent. With a look, he/she would know what i am thinking. A best friend but more than that, a relationship that can withstand the torment of time.

If i were to die know i would missed out on a lot of things that i could have experience. 

I have not yet meet the love of my life. 

I have not yet have the experience of being a mother. I heard it is life changing yet beautiful experience.

I want to see the world. 

There is a lot of things that i have not done yet. Sometimes the constant worrying of the ever happening scares me. Still, i believe that one day i would complete these time as a go through life.

I believe it is human nature to worry about the inevitable and the blank. Sometimes it can be a fun experience. It is life so lets experience this feeling, emotion, sensation with an open heart.

love, 

kahyee