Lately, my emotion have been a little imbalance. My personality is pretty much contradicting i can be introverted to extroverted depending on the person i am with. After the recent betrayer or should i say fight with my friend at the start of the new school, i am left friendless.
Even though over time i did make some friends but still i feel there is always this immerse gap between me and them. I feel like the gap is something i can never close nor shorten. Sometimes when they mingle with their respective friend and boyfriend i feel a little left out .
I did join their clique but still i feel like an outsider looking in. No matter, what i try to be grateful with what i already have. At the very least, i am not aloof and disconnected with the class. Sometimes i feel that it is better if i go off and be a loner.
Carefree and easy.
However, the course that i am studying makes it impossible. My course has a constant need to do group work, short presentation, project work. All of these requires the need to be in a team or a group. The best part we formed our own group, in the above cases. So it is beyond hellish that without friends what you have to go through to get into group. Better yet , you might just end up with you're “favourite “ person
So basically I've been going through a hard time with transition as well as all sort of emotions that is going through my head. Do you know the feeling when for once you want to try you're best . Yet reality, just slap you in the face.
There is always the saying where as long as you try, something will change. It did not in this case, i got hurt for opening my heart. For trying, it makes me feel so vulnerable, so pathetic for even trying.
Sometimes when i think about it i feel anger. I do want to murder her maybe drown her but you can not force people to see the value in you.
The difference in character is what shape individualised. The world is much prettier to be unique and individual. There are some things, that you wish this would happen this way or that way but guess what its life.
I know it sucks.
I was very much damage because it. I broke down when i am alone and frequent melt downs while i drown myself in my own negativity. I feel like i was the only one who was trying. That she was looking down on me as if i was the joke of the year.
Maybe she did or did not.
It did not matter.
I was pretty much in my head. Withdrawal from the world, i became increasing consciously in the class. I remember feel like a clown when i am in class. Pretty much a depressed loner desperate need to relieve my pain, so i did what i should.
I seek the school counsellor. It actually help a lot. For the first few session, non-stop i would cry. Even i did not know that i had so much sadness in me. I needed someone to be there for me when family members were not an option. She was there. She help me see a different picture, not necessary a solution. It kept me sane when i feel like i am going insane.
The incident with my “ friend” was the tipping point of all the emotions that i have kept in me. Unknowingly stressing myself, that was the point that everything collapsed under the pressure of circumstances.
I believe i am strong.
More than just that girl that cry because her friend left her. From inside out, i despise myself for being weak. Everyone has their moments.
For me maybe that was it.
Luckily, everything got better. I got new friends. Still the insurmountable gap was there. For now i will go with a cautious heart and the flow of things. I don't expect much. I really do not want to be hurt again. I hope this time life will give my heart a break.
Recently i have been on the list for a school trip to Vietnam. It is a culture as well as educational Four days three night trip. I hope i would get it. Wish me luck.
By the way, there have been a ton of project. Fingers crossed that i will survive this with flying colours.
My main goal is my school work. Focus on school work and do not let my emotions distract me!!
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves”
-William Shakespeare
with love, kahyee
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